Men, alcohol, and the fertility journey

Here I want to talk about men’s alcohol consumption, suppressed emotions of the liver and how to approach this topic with compassion instead of resentment. There is a vast amount of research available to explain to your man why they need to cut down (or cut out!) the booze during preconception. And the science is a very relevant part of the conversation, but I’m here to support your understanding of why this is so hard for our partners so that you can approach these conversations with compassion and insight. I also hope to relieve your body of some of the frustration and resentment that can come up for women during this trying time. 

I hear many of my female clients say “here I am doing all the hard work (and they usually give me a long list of appointments, supplements, medication, dietary changes, exercise regimes, and the number of times they have been poked/ prodded/ injected/ scanned, and the emotional rollercoaster that comes with all of this) and all he has to do is cut down the beers, and he won’t do this ONE thing!!”. Does this sound like your experience? 

Firstly, you will not come into common ground and connection from this place of opposition - no matter how true this feels for you. So before we go further, if this previous statement feels like you, I would like you to question the validity of that statement. Is he taking supplements? Does he turn up to appointments? Is he changing his eating habits (even if it’s just via default from what you buy or prepare)? Has he had emotional distress through your journey to parenthood? Maybe he’s been the rock through your distress?

I want to delve into a few main areas of why cutting back the booze is difficult for men:

Identity and belonging

Our beautiful clinic is based in Brisbane, Australia. Down under, alcohol abuse is normalised. From a very young age we are conditioned to believe that heavy drinking is a part of socialising, celebration, connection and friendship. It is normalised to use it as a crutch to destress and unwind after a days work. As a culture, (white) Australians are starved of ritual and rites of passage. When you look at the research of humanity, happiness, and belonging, this is actually a really important piece. For decades Aussies have created drinking rituals - you’ve reached a work goal, you’ve bought a house, you turned 18, you played well in today’s match. All normal right? When you look seriously at the research on what alcohol does to the body, it seems ridiculous to be doing such a harmful thing to the body and calling it good. I bring all this up because when we ask our partners to give up alcohol, we are asking them to give up their culture, how they have fun, how they celebrate themselves, and how they connect with others. As humans we are wired for connection and dopamine hits - and you want him to give that up, can you see how this gets hard? We also have the element of shame and lack of belonging when men don’t drink. The fears of how their mates will perceive them and if they’ll even be included if they are sober.

Stubbornness, control and self preservation. 

Another thing I hear from a lot women is “he’s so stubborn” or “he’ll never change”. And again, I invite you to question how much of his world has changed since you have embarked on this fertility journey, and, how much your world will change once your baby has arrived. A lot of men feel empowered when they are in control, when they know what they are doing and are an active participant in the plan they have thought out. I invite you to think about how out of control you and your partner feel during the fertility journey “What’s the next step? Will it happen this month? What will the specialist decide? How many viable eggs are there? How will I handle this? Will this ever happen for us?” That is a lot of unknown. You may be able to feel it in your nervous system right now - the unknown feels scary. Humans find safety in the “for sure”s. When we feel out of control, we try (mostly unconsciously) to create certainty in our world in an attempt to feel safe. This is where our unconscious motivations can create self sabotage. For men, this can be holding on to their autonomy, by drinking. In the exact same relationship you may see the other partner’s control come out in the micromanagement of every meal, supplements, routine etc. You might hear the woman say “can’t you give up this one thing?!” And the man say “can’t you leave me this one thing?!”. Both scrambling for a sense of control and safety. 

Addiction and childhood wounds

If we took an honest look at our relationship with alcohol, I believe a large portion of the population would be classified as highly functioning alcoholics. And I say that without judgement! It’s just the truth of the society we live in. I spoke earlier about ritual and belonging, and now let’s see where this tips over into addiction. So how do we fall into addiction? Plain and simple - we are numbing something. Majority of the time we are numbing a core wound that started in our younger years. Some examples of this might be, an emotionally unavailable parent made us feel unimportant, divorced partners left us feeling abandoned, school bullies made us feel bad/wrong/not enough. Whatever that original wound was, it haunts us through life, reoccurring and reactivating over time. What’s the easiest way to not feel like this? Avoid and numb - drink, use drugs, have sex, watch porn, shop, eat, become workaholics, etc. In these situations it is not easy to “just give up” those extra drinks. Our coping mechanism is to not feel those feelings, and then men are being asked to cut out the booze (at an already stressful time), to then have all this old pain start to bubble and surface. Of course it would be easier to avoid. This is especially hard if these core wounds are from a parent. The unconscious mind is already worried about not becoming your mum/dad, so when you take away your numbing agent, you have childhood pain surface at the same time as your pending parenthood fears. It’s an extremely triggering time in the fertility journey. I’ve seen this impact men in the way of depression, anger outbursts, inability to hold an erection or ejaculate, and hitting the booze even harder than before. 

As we all know, alcohol affects the pancreas, gallbladder and particularly the liver. When we look at the shadow emotions of these organs we have rage, anger, resentment, confidence (lack of), timidity, bitterness, and irritability. When we feel these emotions, if we are unable to come to harmony and resolve, this energy will either get stuck in these organs, or deplete them. So if these organs are already feeling the burden (whether it’s from present day situations or from unresolved past experiences), you can imagine how much harder it will be to process and detox from the alcohol. And whilst we are on the topic of the energy of these organs, I invite you to read through those emotions again and see what resonates with your own experience? What energy is being empathised and possibly amplified because these feelings are being felt in the both of you. Although the cause may be different, where are you mirroring each other?

We can now see that it’s not as simple as giving up a few beers. This goes so much deeper. I hope you can use this understanding to approach your conversations with your partner with grace and kindness. Remember you are a team. How would you want someone to approach you on topics that trigger (consciously or unconsciously) your safety, your sense of belonging, and your deepest pains? 

If you or your partner would like support to work through addiction, childhood wounds, or relational upset along your fertility journey, please book a healing table treatment with me. 

Stay kind to each other. 

Jess x